Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Girl Crush. ♥

I guess it's not secret that I have ridiculous crushes on a couple of celebrity ladies. I don't even know why, I guess it's because of how beautiful they are and how they look when they're all glammed up.

Right now, I'm obsessing over Kim Kardashian and Ciara. I think Kim is 100% beauty ALL around and Ciara is THAT girl right now. I love Kim's style, and her hair and the way she doesn't care about what anyone thinks. She can be over-the-top sexy but still simmer down and be the classiest lady ever. Ciara is sooo dope. I love how sweet and soft her voice is, but she dances like a FREAK ;) She embraces her sexuality when it comes to dancing and makes no apologies - what a positive message for other women out there!

I wrote this post because I usually have pictures of either of them on my HalleBerry or on Facebook, and I'm likely going to start posting some here as well! Don't front :P, everyone KNOWS they're EYE CANDY!

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Application For Permission To Date Me

NOTE: This is from my Dad, please fill it out completely and send back to him. This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage, and current medical report from your doctor.

NAME________________________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT___________ WEIGHT____________ IQ__________ GPA_____________

SOCIAL SECURITY #_________________ DRIVERS LICENSE #________________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS_______________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain: _____________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________________

If less than your age, explain



A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No

B. A truck with over sized tires? __Yes __No

C. A water bed? __Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No

E. A tattoo? __Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, __Yes __No
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?



In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?



In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?



In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?




Church you attend ___________________________________________________

How often you attend ________________________________________________

When would be the best time to interview your:

Father? _____________

Mother? _____________

Pastor? _____________


Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:


B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:


C: A woman's place is in the:


D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:


E. What do you want to do IF you grow up? ___________________________



F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:


F. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________


Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_______________________________ ________________________________
Mother's Signature Father's Signature

_______________________________ ________________________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual.
Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since
you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be
notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)

To prepare yourself, start studying Daddy's Rules for Dating .

Daddy's Rules for Dating
Your Dad's rules for your boyfriend (or for you if you're a guy) :

Rule One:
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them..

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge . Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folk's homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a robber who wants to hurt my daughter. When my shooting finger starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Friday, July 3, 2009

The Realest Shit I Ever Wrote...

This was written in rage, heartbreak, sorrow & sadness. I really feel that this is the realest shit I have written in my 22 years of life.

The One That Took Me The Longest;

I hated you so much I could kill you,
but I loved you so much I'd sacrifice my life just to be with you in death;

My weakness.
My downfall.
A heartbreak's masterpiece...
They all defined you.
Yes, defined, because a vandalized shrine of you exists only in my memories now.

You will, however, go down in my history - The One who took me the longest to forget.

But you of course would not go in peace. I was forced to rip you out of me and you being a part of me, I can say that in my victory of ripping you out, I killed a piece of myself when the day came that your name meant nothing.

My right hand.
My confidant.
My best friend.
You owed me a friendship that you would never be man enough to give me. That in itself took me the longest to let go of.

If not Romeo and Juliet, then you Romeo and I would conform and be Mercutio?

But no, you would not oblige. Me and You - Forever, Montagues and Capulets. A passionate rage between the two. I blinked and our love had morphed and I was crushed to find that there was no cure for it's abnormality and thats why I remained deformed missing a limb that would never grow back.

The piece of you I had ripped away; the cancerous organ I had to remove if I wanted to live on my own - free of you...

A piece of me gone forever...its something I have come to accept... .. .

. .. ...but every now and then I'll catch a glimpse of your face in a dream and once again nostalgia wins, when I surrender to sleep and see my phantom limb.

I wish it was indifference that I feel now or at least something I could define but now that i lay here cured of you I know not what it is I long to find... .. .

StarWars Love Letter

Dear Maria;
You've asked me to stop writing you these emails. You've told me they will never change things. But I can't, Maria. I can't just...let you go. Even Darth Vader, an evil Sith Lord, couldn't leave his son to die at the end of "Return of The Jedi".

You make me feel so safe, Maria. So warm. I want to crawl up inside you. Like Luke Skywalker crawled up inside his *taun taun* to protect himself from the sub-zero temperatures of Hoth, where the Rebel Alliance was hiding from the Galactic Empire.

Some say this is creepy. Dudes a fanatic? So what? I find it romantic.. :) I love me some StarWars :)

May the Force be with you...and the love too ;)